You might be surprised to know traveling the country, especially up and down various mountains, is in summary arduous, grueling, and deleterious. It was only just nightfall when I reached the little town at the mountain’s rocky foot and my body was already aching for a long soak and a soft bed. Taking the fastest path to my preferred inn, I noted a stout, wrinkly toad woman who scanned the streets for all who passed by. Turning fast on my heels was far too slow and she caught up to me immediately, blocking my escape.
Gruffly, she demanded if I had just descended the mountain. Wearily, I nodded. She asked if my name was Maro. Shocked, I again nodded. No sooner than I had, she muscled me into the back corner of a sour smelling restaurant, unperturbed as I nearly fell while hastily removing my sandals.
“Here is your Maro-kun!” she croaked, forcing me to sit across from two lavishly dressed men. “Finish your tea and go home!”
Then she waddled off to the kitchen. Bewildered and enervated, I examined my company:
Before me sat a slouched, puffy faced man with swollen eyes. Starkly contrasting with his silk yukata was a chiseled stone bowl cupped in his hands, partially filled with a clear liquid. The man to his left was exceptionally ugly and despite wearing equally rich robes, was draped over with a burnt cloak made of an indeterminate material. As I assessed its composition, I realized the inn’s sour smell was actually coming from him.
Before I could leave, two more men joined the table, pinning me to my seat by the wall. One took the entirety of the table’s edge for himself, necessary for his behemoth girth. Suddenly, my eyes were pierced by light and only through my spotted vision could I vaguely make out the second man covered with shining gold and jewels that glistened and burned. He made an expression I interpreted as a smile and tipped his head in a bow. Feeling some shame for my obvious rudeness and dizzy from my blindness, I sat down. No sooner than I had, the ugly, stinking man began to complain of ‘an imposter’.
The fat man insisted harshly I would be arrested for impersonating a nobleman. The ugly man added I would be beheaded. Clearing his throat, the gilded man assumed a calmer tone and offered a more reasonable punishment of lifetime servitude. I immediately intervened and explained the misunderstanding, that I merely shared a name with this nobleman. The clarification, however, left them looking strangely unsatisfied. Hastily, I asked them about their missing companion and offered maybe I had seen him.
The ugly man hissed, “We’ve all been betrayed by that deceitful princess! Our loyalty and dedication was rewarded with humiliation and treason.”
The gilded man cleared his throat. “Not deceit but naivete. I still recall her beauty that radiated like the moon, even in midday. My heart swelled with love but her father was cruel and insisted on a dowry, a jeweled branch of Horai. And for her, I did it! We were to be wed the next day but one lowly, jealous jewelsmith accused me of forgery! As if his amatuar craftsmanship is even worthy of payment, let alone Horai. Alas, my heart bled as she fell for the creten’s lies. But I know she is a simple girl and I’d gladly forgive her if only she’d apologize.”
The fat man chortled a thick, wet laugh. “A branch from Horai? Bah! I’d like to see you clutch the jewel from a dragon’s neck. I had already done it once before but my ship was recently waylaid at sea and had it not been for my quick thinking and brute strength, all my men would have drowned. Her doddering father won’t listen to reason so now I have to wait for my ship to be repaired but the dock workers are lolling about as if they’re the ones waiting to get married!”
The ugly man sneered. “You can’t trust anyone these days, much less a woman. All I wanted was to speak to her and she insisted on a robe made of Chinese fire-rat. A simple enough request but I was far too busy to travel myself. My very good friend offered to go in my stead and I spared no expense for his safe voyage only to have the vermin betray me with a counterfeit! The stupid girl threw it into the fire, nearly burning away everything I sacrificed for her. Perhaps I’m the fool for believing the supposedly ‘fairer sex’ to be anything other than selfish, arrogant, and greedy.”
An unwanted hand was suddenly placed on my shoulder by the gilded man. “And you sit where our handsome, brave Maro should. Tasked to retrieve a cowry shell from a swallow, he made hast up this very mountain and will likely return—”
The fat man scoffed. “A shell was the easiest task! No doubt that moron’s dead.”
I felt the hand on my shoulder tighten and through his teeth, the gilded man said, “A brave, handsome man who died chasing swallows… The injustice! To lose a man on such a pointless errand is a loss too great for words!”
The gilded man’s speech was truly impassioned but his obvious grin nullified any sincerity.
While they clamoured in agreement, I lacked the energy to bite my tongue and asked them simply: “Did you not consider that this princess was avoiding you all?”
Each man looked between one another in shock, when they all began shouting at once: She’s indecisive, she’s manipulative, she’s bored, naive, cruel, stubborn, weak, heartless, ugly, stupid.
“I swear, my friends,” the gilded man roared, “I will force m’lady to recognize my love!”
The fat man decreed, “She’ll marry me like she wanted to in the first place!”
“Have her!” cried the ugly man. “What good is another loose temptress?”
And for each outburst, the table erupted into cheers until pierced by a shrill fourth voice:
“I will make her beg for forgiveness!” screeched the puffy man. “I will beat her a hundred times every day and a hundred more every night! I’ll shave her head, burn her robes, slaughter her favorite horse, and lock her away in the grainery everyday of her life until she realizes I’m the only one who would ever treat her like the goddess she is!”
A thick, uncomfortable silence enveloped the entire restaurant and for several excruciating minutes, it lingered as we stared together at the puffy man’s red face. I ached for almost anything to interrupt. Then, one by one, the men began to nod. Then agree. Then clap. They stood together and applauded as the puffy man smiled bashfully into his wet stone bowl.
There was no greater time for my escape. I darted for my bag and raced away from the restaurant, sprinting through the night to my inn where I might finally rest. It is where I am at now, quickly writing this tale before bed so that I put the tale behind me forever. Let my problems wait for the morrow when I must flee from these deranged noblemen. I can buy new shoes along the way.
Douglas Rysdyk 